Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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