apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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