If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
