I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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