3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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