May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
