I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize