just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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