sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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