Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
