So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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