he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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