sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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