I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
