wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
