Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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