Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I will be naked everywhere
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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