Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
