Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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