Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
