i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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