So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
