he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
