My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
