Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize