Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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