Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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