If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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