Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
