Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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