If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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