I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
