my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
