Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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