At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
