oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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