you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
