Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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