tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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