My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
