I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
