doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
