my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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