I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
