I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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