Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
