That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Less talking, more tequila
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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