i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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