you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
