Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
