is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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