Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
