I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
this beer tastes like vomit already
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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