I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
