u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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