the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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