I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
