forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Send help, water and tortillas.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
