You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
