So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
