got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize