So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
