Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's shark week go big or go home
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
