burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
