Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
