In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
