I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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