I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
