Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
