Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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