I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The uberlube is also flammable
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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