hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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