Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
