just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
