i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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